Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Am I growing up in this relationship or am I shrinking down?
[00:00:07] Am I growing up in this work?
[00:00:11] Am I shrinking down? So if you are adult with childhood trauma, you didn't grow up in the family, you shrink down.
[00:00:24] And that's the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:00:30] And that shrinking is on soul level, emotional level, body level in our sama. Welcome to Exile and Rising. I'm Anna Mael.
[00:00:41] Many of you asked to reflect deeper on the episode the Haunting Truth for all adults with childhood trauma on the piece I wrote Walk back Home.
[00:00:52] So I will read and then we will reflect.
[00:00:56] So this is page 93 for you who are in the book club.
[00:01:03] There is a walk back home.
[00:01:07] A dreadful walk.
[00:01:10] One that starts when you close the door of your school or work and your feet touch the path toward home.
[00:01:23] Every time your heart drops down to your heels, your body feels heavy and your heart breaks every day.
[00:01:37] Can you recall that walk you are leaving? A safe, welcoming, and predictable place to go. Somewhere that is unpredictable, filled with mood swings, criticism, judgmental stares, mocking, and a sense of disconnect.
[00:02:02] You don't want to go down that path. From school or work to home, everything in you drops. And that sinking feeling weighs you down as you walk the path toward home.
[00:02:22] All the excitement from your day, even the normalcy you enjoyed gets stolen from you the moment you begin your journey home.
[00:02:35] A, uh, deep loneliness and sadness you can't explain washes over you every day. On that path toward home, your legs are weighted and heavy, your chest compresses, your shoulders move down and your face fills with swirl.
[00:03:03] You still can't explain why.
[00:03:09] On that dreadful path toward home, your posture becomes slouched. M.
[00:03:17] On that dreadful path toward home, you are becoming old.
[00:03:27] On that restful path toward home, you are becoming someone you are not.
[00:03:36] On that dreadful path toward home, your safety is stolen.
[00:03:42] Every single step on that dreadful path toward home, you become timid and scared.
[00:03:52] On that dreadful path toward home, there is a heartbreak you can't explain.
[00:04:01] On that dreadful path toward home, you feel punished and betrayed over and over again, every single day on that dreadful path to your so called home.
[00:04:30] So just take a moment. M. Just take a moment.
[00:04:34] Yeah, Just see what's coming up. See what's coming up.
[00:04:40] Hold it gently and let's reflect. Let's reflect. What's behind that peace?
[00:04:48] Okay, so, uh, I wrote the things down. If you need to, you can also write things down. You can replay, pause anything. What's coming up.
[00:05:00] Work with your therapist or work your own. Okay.
[00:05:06] As you know, I'M Somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery.
[00:05:11] And I'm a founder of Somatic Trauma Recovery Center. So you can find more about the center and what, what I do with this piece. I didn't want to, uh, put a label. I really wanted to drop in the moment, in the moment. And the felt sense embodied. Somatic felt sense. For many of us who were not feeling safe in home, even if abuse wasn't visible, what goes by the old books, what abuse means, the most dangerous abuse is insidious, it's invisible because it makes a child an adult very confusing.
[00:06:09] Very, very confusing.
[00:06:12] And there is something about the moment you go back home what changes you, what changes your personality, who you are, who innately you are. So you can be now 45, 55, 75 or 25. And then when you go back home, your body memory will evoke the same feeling as you felt when you were 8 or 15.
[00:06:50] So I'm naming something what was never named. I'm validating absolutely the truth and the wisdom in your body.
[00:07:01] And I wanted to name two adults who didn't have words, who didn't have words, who can still say, but it was just, okay, my home was just. No one was angry, no one was raging. And also we have covert and overt abuse. Right? Overt, absolutely. Physical violence, physical abuse, raging. So that's very into your face. It's more clear and it's violation of all your human rights, especially because you are a minor. And if you're a minor, I hm, really hope you can find, find that one person, a counselor, someone in the school or neighbor to whom you can talk, to whom you can talk and explain what's happening in your home so you can find resource and safety and support.
[00:08:17] Okay, um, overt and covert abuse, covert is very confusing, especially if you're a child. There is no clarity.
[00:08:30] There is no witnessing or hearing of something where you can label and say, well, this is not safe. Okay?
[00:08:45] I wanted to offer clarity to adults who still feel dread around family.
[00:08:52] And this is very collective. This is very collective.
[00:08:58] There is 80% of us who had childhood trauma, covert or overt.
[00:09:07] And I wanted to interrupt the fantasy of home as a safety because As I said, 80% of people, they didn't have a safe home, at least not in my office. What I'm hearing from my clients, I want to bring the light to what many trauma survivors couldn't articulate, and that's that your safety wasn't taken from you in one moment.
[00:09:41] It was eroded slowly. It's Step by step on the walk back to a place where you were supposed to feel safe in.
[00:09:59] And I wanted to name emotional neglect, unpredictable moods, passive aggressive silence and subtle disconnection as a real source of trauma, especially for kids.
[00:10:18] For children who, whose nervous system is shaped in this condition. And. And it needs to be shaped with someone who feels safe and welcoming so they can self regulate and co regulate.
[00:10:36] Okay?
[00:10:41] So behind backlog peace I wanted to offer somatic landscape of dread.
[00:10:51] Home as a threat, not as a refuge, not as a safe haven.
[00:10:59] And from the first line of the piece, I centered the body.
[00:11:05] I work with body, right?
[00:11:09] And it's so important. Your body has this deep wisdom of healing, of giving you so many cues.
[00:11:17] So when I wrote every time your heart drops down to your heels, your body feels heavy.
[00:11:26] And your heart breaks every day because it does. And that's real.
[00:11:35] It's a literal description of a nervous system in hyper arousal.
[00:11:43] Okay?
[00:11:45] Collapse, dissociation or shutdown. Or it can go in a hyper, hyper, Always scanning, always scanning, always on.
[00:11:58] That's the moment the body anticipates a return to unpredictable environment and it begins to shut down. Okay?
[00:12:11] Or override to survive.
[00:12:14] And now you're in adult body, okay, still living in.
[00:12:21] In between. Shut down or override. Or you can hop in and out between those two.
[00:12:28] Okay, so there is a hyper or hypovigilance without clarity and somatic use. I am naming heaviness in the legs.
[00:12:40] That's frozen fear. That's dread, that's immobiliz. Immobilization, Right?
[00:12:48] It's so smart. Your legs, they don't want to go to the place of unsafety.
[00:12:55] Chest compression, big cue. Okay, Work on this with your therapist. Shallow breath, bracing for emotional impact. Posture collapses, internalized shame, fatigue, invisibility.
[00:13:14] So please, just, just a second.
[00:13:18] I'm not editing this. I literally don't know how to edit. It's like this is it, guys. Okay, so look at the posture of collapse.
[00:13:38] It carries so much shame without knowing why.
[00:13:43] And it's not your shame. Someone projected their shame on you. Damn, damn. That's on them, not on you.
[00:13:52] Okay, so click below. I will have a distilled lesson how to move from collapse to this.
[00:14:08] Okay, the link will be in the show notes. Okay, so you can buy. Get the the course that one lesson, not 500 hours with 500 PDF you will not ever use. Okay, this shame. How do we move from projected shame to what we have to our dignity to our sense of self.
[00:14:43] Okay, so I really wanted to read uh, for my readers and listeners to know, your body was never wrong.
[00:14:57] That dread wasn't drama.
[00:15:01] That dread wasn't something is or was off with you.
[00:15:08] That shrinking posture wasn't a, uh, weakness.
[00:15:14] It was a pure survival.
[00:15:18] It's a pure survival because if I shrink myself down and if I silence myself, well, huh, huh, I will not be spotted.
[00:15:33] I will become the smallest target, the smallest target. And I will keep myself safe so I don't get bullied, so I don't get shamed. It's a pure survival. And you as an adult, look around, observe. Observe other kids. If you're a coach, if you're working with kids in, in sports, in, In. In. In. In any. In any capacities, okay? If your kid is having their friends over, observe and see what's happening with their friends. Kind word, just Kind word. Just noticing that someone who doesn't want to go back home, who just.
[00:16:27] There M. Is something about the posture. Like you can tell. Give that kid, that teenager.
[00:16:33] Teenager who is completely either this big, big, big, shielded, rigid posture or this something is off. Right? You know, that. Give that kid a, uh, moment of just connection where that child can feel safe. You know how it was.
[00:17:02] Isn't that our, uh, legacy? Isn't that something we have to do?
[00:17:08] We don't have to, but it just feels right.
[00:17:13] It feels just. That's the justice I'm talking about, not the fight as a justice.
[00:17:22] In the episode, I have episode, we need justice, not the breath work. This is the justice I'm talking about.
[00:17:32] That in that moment, you can recognize someone's pain. And if that is, uh, in a minor, in that child. Teenager. Just a kind word. Oh, my goodness can make a big difference.
[00:17:55] Okay.
[00:17:58] Okay, let's continue.
[00:18:04] I wanted to really bring into the front of your eyes a daily ritual of betrayal.
[00:18:15] Because every child and teenager, you went through the daily ritual of betrayal.
[00:18:29] And what that dreadful walk teaches the child.
[00:18:34] I wrote on that dreadful path toward home, you become timid and scared.
[00:18:43] You're becoming someone you're not.
[00:18:49] And that's the truth.
[00:18:52] That's the.
[00:18:54] The trauma. We don't talk about internalized shame and loss of self.
[00:19:07] So there is a line. You are becoming someone you are not.
[00:19:12] Yeah.
[00:19:13] You are becoming someone you are not.
[00:19:20] M.
[00:19:22] And in the course below, we will retrieve that someone you are.
[00:19:29] Someone you are your essence. Okay, Links in the show notes.
[00:19:41] So I'm saying this was never your choice, your fault, or, uh, that something is off with you. You adapted to survive.
[00:19:55] And also in the moment of going that ritual Betrayal. That behavior becomes identity. That walk is not just physical. It's a daily ritual of self betrayal. But we are talking about a child.
[00:20:14] Teenager.
[00:20:16] Even now as an adult. So over time, your body absorbs the message you are not safe. Where you live, you are not.
[00:20:29] And what this teaches the child is loss of authenticity.
[00:20:34] And you what teaches you is loss of authenticity. You must hide your truth to survive your identity.
[00:20:45] Second, chronic fiber attunement to others moods and needs.
[00:20:53] Are you. So let's talk.
[00:20:56] Let me just.
[00:20:58] Are you codependent?
[00:21:01] Hmm? M.
[00:21:06] Do you know better other people needs than your own? Can you sense other people needs before your own? Are you jumping to help without even being asked for help?
[00:21:28] Pure survival.
[00:21:31] You had to. Every time when you went back home, you had to be prepared.
[00:21:39] You read the cues and signals, the moods.
[00:21:46] You read the frequency of silence.
[00:21:59] You just knew.
[00:22:05] You just knew.
[00:22:09] So trust that M.
[00:22:12] Trust that.
[00:22:14] Trust that you know how to read people. Don't let anyone bullshit you.
[00:22:24] You have that power.
[00:22:29] You can cut through the noise.
[00:22:34] You can feel it. So trust that feeling. Not other people feelings.
[00:22:42] That's their system, their body, their past, their right life. You trust this, okay.
[00:22:55] What that teaches you as well. When we go back home, go back home to the unsafety.
[00:23:04] It's self alienation. We are disconnecting from our own joy and voice.
[00:23:13] How could you be joyful in unjoyful home?
[00:23:19] You couldn't.
[00:23:21] It wasn't safe.
[00:23:24] Or how could you even speak out?
[00:23:28] Where was that voice? Well, it's better for you to be silent. Because as I said, the smallest you are and the more silent you are, you won't be a target.
[00:23:41] And now if we have on top of this, oh, are you not proper ethnicity, not proper religion.
[00:23:53] Oh, not proper skin color. Are you with accent? Are you with money?
[00:24:00] So you name those layers.
[00:24:05] The smaller you are, the smaller you are. Okay.
[00:24:15] If it think, if it think.
[00:24:21] Did you grow up in your family or shrink down?
[00:24:35] Am m I growing up in this relationship or am I shrinking down?
[00:24:43] Am I growing up in this work?
[00:24:46] Am I shrinking down? So if you're adult with childhood trauma, you didn't grow up in the family.
[00:24:57] You shrink down.
[00:25:00] And that's the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:25:05] And that shrinking is on soul level, emotional level, body level in our sama. Okay. And we start on shrinking from body first.
[00:25:20] Okay.
[00:25:23] Check the community courses. Show notes below. Okay. Cutting through the core. Who wants to be in a therapy for 15 years?
[00:25:34] Okay. Mhm.
[00:25:39] Premature aging, emotional caring.
[00:25:45] Burdens beyond your years in Adulthood. This looks like dreading holidays or family, any events.
[00:26:02] Okay, you just, you, you just don't want go back home. It just something is off or it's clearly no shrinking in the presence of certain people, siblings, brother, sister, father, uncle, you name it, or someone of authority feeling like an imposter around family. It just like. It just like what? Like how did I even end up with this family? So that's kind of that question behind.
[00:26:38] Okay, so these are all behaviors we develop because our home, our uh, walk back home didn't feel safe.
[00:26:58] And also I want to name grief without language. There is a profound grief in a child, in a teenager.
[00:27:12] In this line, there is a heartbreak you can't explain, a deep loneliness and sadness you can't explain.
[00:27:26] And inability for a child for you to name it does not mean it wasn't real.
[00:27:39] It was very real.
[00:27:43] And when trauma happens through disconnection, silence, passive aggression, emotional neglect, it leaves a grief that words cannot even capture.
[00:27:59] It's state of being confused. And it's. You live in a state.
[00:28:06] Something is always missing out. And I don't know what.
[00:28:12] So tag that. That's something you need to work on.
[00:28:17] Something is missing out. But that's this piece.
[00:28:22] And if you could never explain your sadness, right, or just. I'm just unhappy. It's a simmering unhappiness, but you are pushing through. But then something again is like pushing through, but something again is missing. Okay, that's it.
[00:28:41] Grief. Profound grief.
[00:28:45] Living as a child with trauma.
[00:28:52] Aging before your time.
[00:28:55] This is a big piece, people.
[00:28:59] One of the most heartbreaking truths I named in the line on that dreadful path toward home. You are becoming old.
[00:29:16] And this is not about physical age.
[00:29:20] It's about emotional exhaustion.
[00:29:26] It is about how trauma makes children carry weights far too early.
[00:29:35] How it steals vitality, play presence, curiosity, even anger to push back and m. When the child drags their legs, when they look at the ground, when the posture falls inward, okay?
[00:30:03] That child is aged beyond their years.
[00:30:09] They are surviving what they should never have to endure.
[00:30:14] And it can be very, very silent abuse.
[00:30:19] So please look, uh, at those kids around teachers, teachers, coaches, parents.
[00:30:31] Look and observe and just act on it. Do something nice for that. K.
[00:30:42] So this is a start of complex ptsd.
[00:30:49] You don't need to go through war.
[00:30:52] I survived genocide and two wars. So I deeply know PTSD in my body.
[00:31:02] And also I know many times home, um, absolutely didn't feel safe.
[00:31:08] And that was more threatening than the bombs around me. Okay?
[00:31:17] Also, I say I wrote you feel Punished and betrayed over and over again.
[00:31:30] Every single day, feel that rhythm over and over again.
[00:31:43] And that's the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:31:47] It's repetitive cycle of same thing over and over again.
[00:31:59] So this is political call right now, as I'm talking to you adult.
[00:32:09] It is a call for advocacy, for activism, as little as you can do. But it can be monumental for that child because far too many kids, they do live in the threat. Very obvious now what's happening on our planet. Living in the war, living and going through the genocide, having uncertainty.
[00:32:44] And then we have this uncertainty in home.
[00:32:48] So where do they go?
[00:32:52] Imagine it's hard for us adults, right, with resources, with SO money, where we can, I don't know, pay for the therapy, buy a book, listen.
[00:33:08] And it's not easy, okay? M.
[00:33:16] It's not easy.
[00:33:26] So with that line, I want to break a silence on that dreadful path toward home.
[00:33:34] It is. It's more than a repetition. It's a ritual echo.
[00:33:41] And it mirrors how trauma repeats daily in the body. It mimics that collapse or hypervigilance that becomes normalized for that kid.
[00:33:59] And I wanted to use the rhythm to hold the grief. So I will. I will read one more time the piece. Okay?
[00:34:15] Using the rhythm because there is. In a, uh. In a, uh, complex ptsd. In ptsd, in trauma, there is a rhythm you need to get attuned to.
[00:34:27] There is a rhythm how we hold grief, how we go over and over again to the place of unsafety.
[00:34:46] And also the better. We know this rhythm, the healing process.
[00:34:52] Okay? Healing is basically providing yourself a rhythm of going back to the safety. Going back to the safety. Going back to the safety through some rituals, through anchoring. Okay?
[00:35:11] So there is a rhythm going back to the school, which feels safe.
[00:35:16] That's the healing for you as an adult, if you're making the rhythms and cycles of rituals where you feel safe.
[00:35:30] So we'll go more into the depth in the course below.
[00:35:38] So naming what others minimize is one step for your healing. Don't let anyone minimize what you went through. People compare trauma so many times. Okay?
[00:35:57] People telling me, other therapists, oh, my God, like, how can we even say something about this? You went through genocide. No, people, it is different. But the pain is pain.
[00:36:17] What's not right, it's not right. What's not just. It's not just don't compare traumas.
[00:36:27] Healing is more complex if there is a healing.
[00:36:34] So that's another big piece to leave the fantasy of healing. Okay, Let me m. Know if you want Me to talk about this fantasy healing, please.
[00:36:46] Okay. Speaking the truth.
[00:36:54] Okay.
[00:36:57] Giving the language, not normalizing.
[00:37:01] Give the language to grief that had no event.
[00:37:13] Let m me repeat this and let this land you. Give the language to the grief that had no event.
[00:37:27] And this is for you. If you lived or living with emotional abuse, there is no big event. It's not on the news.
[00:37:38] There are no bruises, there are no screaming.
[00:37:42] That's abuse in a white gloves.
[00:37:48] The more you are up when it comes to money, education, academia, more of white gloves abuse, they're insidious.
[00:38:01] But people, it's 2025, you know, cut through the noise, cut through the call, the when you see it. And yes, I'm a therapist and this is the way I talk with my clients.
[00:38:26] So the safety wasn't stolen with emotional abuse. It wasn't stolen in one moment.
[00:38:34] It was eroded slowly, step by step on that walk back to a place we were supposed to trust as kids.
[00:38:47] And for many of us, that dread never left.
[00:38:53] And some of us are still walking back into those homes, not as the kids, but as an adult.
[00:39:02] And then we do become kids again in our old bodies.
[00:39:10] In the moment we enter that home, in the moment we sit on a dinner table next to our mother, father, brother, sister, Right.
[00:39:26] There is like regression sometimes even if you are, if you're a somatic therapist, like if you're embodied, if you're attuned, if you're intuition, if you're hyper vigilant, notice how the voice can change. It's very interesting.
[00:39:44] So your voice can become a voice of 12 year old girl.
[00:39:50] Mhm.
[00:39:52] The need to eat addictions, right.
[00:39:55] These are the moments when we slip. So be gentle with yourself. It's very real. People, unresolved trauma doesn't disappear with age.
[00:40:08] It's not in the past, it's here in body.
[00:40:14] Okay.
[00:40:19] And there is no rushing in this toward healing.
[00:40:24] Okay. There is absolutely importance to heal.
[00:40:29] But don't over consume content.
[00:40:33] There is overload of over consuming content. Even this. Okay. After this, I feel like this is now what's happening? Three, nine minutes almost. Okay.
[00:40:47] Mhm. It's a lot.
[00:40:53] Your body needs to start to feel safe.
[00:40:58] Micro doses, micro healing, not overload.
[00:41:06] There is no need to forgive. Don't tell anyone to forgive. You will find your own process in your time.
[00:41:16] Okay.
[00:41:20] And you are just right to feel this way.
[00:41:27] So let this be a beginning. Let this be the return and your walk back home here with yourself.
[00:41:39] You're going back to your own home. That's the process to Be gentle with yourself, to be kind with yourself.
[00:41:49] To call that child your teenager, your 5 year old, to notice other kid who noticed them, notice that, do something nice for them.
[00:42:07] That's how we heal. That's the justice. That's the justice. With kindness, with kindness between you and you and between you and that kid.
[00:42:18] So let me read one more time. Walk back home.
[00:42:23] Walk home.
[00:42:27] There is a walk back home.
[00:42:30] A dreadful walk.
[00:42:33] One that starts when you close the door of your school or, uh, work.
[00:42:38] And your feet touch the path toward home.
[00:42:44] Every time your heart drops down to your heels.
[00:42:48] Your body feels heavy and your heart breaks every day.
[00:42:56] Can you recall that walk?
[00:43:01] You're leaving a safe, welcoming and predictable place to go. Somewhere that is unpredictable, filled with mood swings, criticism, judgmental stares, mocking or a sense of disconnect.
[00:43:24] You don't want to go down that path. From school or work to home, everything in you drops and that sinking feeling weighs you down as you walk the path toward home.
[00:43:45] All the excitement from your day, even the normalcy you enjoyed, gets stolen from you the moment you begin your journey home.
[00:44:00] A deep loneliness and sadness you can't explain washes over you every day. On that path toward home.
[00:44:16] Your legs are weighted and heavy, your chest compresses, your shoulders move down and your face fills with sorrow.
[00:44:28] You still can't explain why. On that dreadful path toward home, your posture becomes slouched.
[00:44:40] On that dreadful path toward home.
[00:44:44] You are becoming old.
[00:44:48] On that dreadful path toward home, you are becoming someone you are not.
[00:44:56] On that dreadful path toward home, your safety is stolen with every single step.
[00:45:08] On that dreadful path toward home.
[00:45:13] You become timid and scared.
[00:45:16] On that dreadful path towards home. There is a heartbreak you can't explain.
[00:45:25] On that dreadful path toward home. You feel punished, betrayed, over and over again, every single day.
[00:45:40] On that dreadful path toward so called home.
[00:45:54] I'm on a mile. This is exile and rising. Until next time.
[00:46:00] Be gentle with yourself.
[00:46:03] Much care.
