Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] There is a space, a state of living, where your presence is not even acknowledged.
[00:00:12] It is a space where you have been never asked, how are you feeling?
[00:00:19] What's your opinion?
[00:00:21] Welcome to Exile and Rising.
[00:00:25] You are seen, you are hurt, and here you belong.
[00:00:33] If you have been exiled from your own land, your country, welcome.
[00:00:41] If you are stateless, a refugee, undocumented, um, or waiting to be deported, welcome.
[00:00:53] If you're indigenous to a land that was stolen from you, welcome.
[00:01:00] If you're a survivor of war, genocide and forced displacement, welcome.
[00:01:09] If you have faced the genocide of your dignity and identity because of your ethnicity, race, religion, the language you speak, the accent you carry, or your inherent value and beliefs, welcome.
[00:01:33] If you have been exiled from your own home, from your own community, your family, and if you never had a place at the dinner table, welcome.
[00:01:50] Welcome.
[00:01:51] I am Anna Mail, host of Exile and Rising.
[00:01:57] I survived three statelessness, multiple displacements.
[00:02:03] Today I work as a somatic therapist, specializing in PTSD and trauma recovery.
[00:02:10] I, I am founder of the Somatic Trauma Recovery Center.
[00:02:15] For years I have worked with survivors of war, systemic oppression, and complex trauma.
[00:02:23] And I know this trauma is not just something that happens. It shapes how we breathe, how we move, how we take up space, how we work, how we socialize, how we make money, and how we allow ourselves to exist.
[00:02:43] There is a space, a state of living, where your presence is not even acknowledged.
[00:02:55] It is a space where you have been never asked, how are you feeling?
[00:03:02] What's your opinion?
[00:03:05] What's your thought?
[00:03:07] What's your choice?
[00:03:09] What's your need?
[00:03:13] And in that space, you don't have the liberty or safety to share your feelings, to share your needs, to express your thoughts, or your choice.
[00:03:31] It's never safe and it was never safe.
[00:03:39] That is a space I'm talking about.
[00:03:43] That's the space many of us have lived and continue to live in, where we are not acknowledged, uh, as existing and nothing about, uh, us, inside or around us seems to matter to those around.
[00:04:06] And this can happen in families with authoritarian figures where you just must to listen and obey.
[00:04:19] So pause and think.
[00:04:21] Have you been raised and lived under false authority, in a patriarchal family, under communist or strict religious doctrines, within a, uh, boy's culture, Toxic, rigid, strict educational and sports environment?
[00:04:47] Or do you live in post colonial society?
[00:04:51] In such environments, you are taught to obey and to follow without questions, and your individual needs and desires are suppressed and denied.
[00:05:09] You just obey, um, and follow and you don't get to be asked for anything.
[00:05:18] And that's a place where your choice doesn't matter m. And your presence is never acknowledged because there is someone who knows everything, who will explain things even to the God.
[00:05:36] Someone that. Someone who will think and decide for you and everyone else.
[00:05:47] We know that guy or girl, person with authority we had to follow and obey.
[00:06:00] And not only a person, but complete culture and society.
[00:06:10] And we knew the consequences.
[00:06:13] So what that does to your being, to your identity, to your soul, is the wound of non existence.
[00:06:24] It brings deep toxic shame.
[00:06:30] And toxic shame is born in the home of obedience, in the country of obedience, in the culture of obedience.
[00:06:43] And we learn not to take any space.
[00:06:49] You become invisible.
[00:06:51] And there are so many with the wound of non existence.
[00:06:56] I bet if we stood side by side, there would be at least 2 billion of us taking the space.
[00:07:04] They certainly will become visible then, right?
[00:07:10] If this track can land in the hands of everyone who knows what I'm talking about and just replies with yes, we'll have a billion people, will have more than 60% of this population.
[00:07:28] Well, uh, that will make us very visible and not isolated, right?
[00:07:33] And remember, we are not alone in this.
[00:07:38] We just don't talk about this yet.
[00:07:42] It's not fully in our awareness.
[00:07:46] So the wound of non existence teaches us that our identity is m bothersome and wrong.
[00:07:57] We learn that we upset others just by showing up.
[00:08:02] And every time you fight it and make yourself present with your choice, with your voice, when you ask for a need to be met, and when you receive zero acknowledgment and silence, disapproval follows.
[00:08:25] A spark of life dies within you, your dignity dies in you.
[00:08:35] And you learn the safest way to exist is to not take any space because you don't want to witness again how the life sparks and your own dignity gets to be dismissed.
[00:08:54] And even riding in an elevator by yourself feels like taking up too much space.
[00:09:02] So you move to the corner in the case others step inside.
[00:09:07] And you continue to live in that corner where your parents put you in the first place, or society.
[00:09:17] You continue to live in that corner, not taking any space.
[00:09:21] Or you walk on the street and you're not taking space.
[00:09:27] It's almost like walking sideways or at the edge of the curb so other people can spread their chest, spread their shoulders, and take as much space as they need and walk freely. But not you.
[00:09:44] That's the wound of non existence.
[00:09:48] Not taking any space on the street, in the meetings, in social settings, in the community, or in a, uh, family.
[00:10:01] You learn to yield to everyone but yourself.
[00:10:07] Let me repeat that.
[00:10:09] You learn to yield to everyone but yourself.
[00:10:15] Death reward of non existence.
[00:10:22] You're conditioned that you will never be asked to for opinion.
[00:10:28] A thought, a decision, a view.
[00:10:32] And it develops the core belief that nothing about you matters.
[00:10:38] Others can make choice, not you.
[00:10:42] Others have right to act on those choices, not you.
[00:10:48] Others matter more, but not you.
[00:10:53] Others lead and you wait.
[00:10:56] Even you know you have full capacities.
[00:10:59] Even you know you're more intelligent, you have more experience.
[00:11:04] You wait for their permission, their decision.
[00:11:11] They shrink you bit by bit into becoming non existent in the culture of obedience.
[00:11:22] And that's emotional abuse.
[00:11:25] That's abuse of power, that's patriarchal trauma.
[00:11:31] The wound of non existence comes from a wound of obedience.
[00:11:40] So you learn to wait in and yield to others.
[00:11:45] You learn to wait and yield to 1 percenters.
[00:11:51] And we spend life waiting to be summoned, to be told, to obey and to follow.
[00:12:01] Because the survival brain learned there is no choice.
[00:12:04] And you need pure intelligence to survive in that space.
[00:12:12] So let's talking about surviving and living in that space.
[00:12:16] Living in that space for decades.
[00:12:20] In a space of continuous unsafety and continuous uncertainty, In a space of identity denial.
[00:12:31] That's life, that's reality.
[00:12:36] And this is a place their hardcore resilience is born.
[00:12:42] Their endurance is born.
[00:12:45] Your self reliance is born.
[00:12:48] This is a place where emotional intelligence is born.
[00:12:54] Because you witness and see every single day how so many failed in the basic human value of acknowledging the person next to them, acknowledging, um, their existence, their presence, their need, their wants, their choice.
[00:13:28] The place of the deepest emotional intelligence is born exactly at that place.
[00:13:40] Because you know it.
[00:13:43] You know it into your bones, how it feels.
[00:13:49] And if you have never been in this place and they're listening and if, uh, the thing starts to collapse on this planet, you want people who lived in that place beside you to help you survive.
[00:14:04] You want them to lead, to give you strength, to give you courage, to give you faith, to give you a reason to continue.
[00:14:14] Because they have monumental capacities to endure uncertainty and unsafety.
[00:14:22] And this has nothing to do with discomfort.
[00:14:26] Feeling discomfort is a privileged place to be.
[00:14:30] This is a pure survival.
[00:14:33] I lived through and survived three wars, a genocide.
[00:14:39] I had been exiled and homeless for five years.
[00:14:43] Do you know who was stepping up, helping, organizing, making the unbearable and unthinkable livable?
[00:14:56] The ones who were never acknowledged, who were silenced and pushed at the corner.
[00:15:04] Those people are stepping up with monumental force, with monumental wisdom and guidance and leadership.
[00:15:14] And I was witnessing the transformation of superheroes.
[00:15:20] Many times you did too.
[00:15:24] In times of crisis. Who was stepping up in wars, in fires, in attacks? In hurricanes, earthquakes, pandemic, who was stepping up?
[00:15:39] Underdogs, obedient and silenced.
[00:15:45] The ones who were conditioned to yield to others.
[00:15:50] Not the loud, cocky, smart pants, sassy ones. No, they couldn't face uncertainty.
[00:16:00] There is no capacity in the nervous system.
[00:16:05] The silenced ones, the ones who yield and stand in the corner of the elevator, at the side of the wall, at the dinner party.
[00:16:15] I see them all the time.
[00:16:17] I observe when I walk, when I dine, when I socialize.
[00:16:24] I give them my deepest silence, bow uh. And respect.
[00:16:30] I acknowledge them.
[00:16:32] I spot them and see them. And even if they might not know their life and their power inside, and even they think they don't matter, I do.
[00:16:49] Because I witness potency being transformed into the force and deep life energy and humanness and grace.
[00:17:02] And everyone who is conditioned becomes aware at some point in life.
[00:17:10] Becomes aware.
[00:17:12] You might be becoming aware in this moment, right here, right now.
[00:17:21] And that innate power inside of you tamed power.
[00:17:27] When it starts to shift, it'll be your best catalyst in your life.
[00:17:34] It'll be your best force and fuel to stand up for yourself and to those who are still yielding to others and shrinking into the wound of non existence.
[00:17:50] This is what I do for a living. That's my fuel, my purpose, my legacy. My work.
[00:17:59] And it can become yours too.
[00:18:02] There are billions of us.
[00:18:05] Billions.
[00:18:07] So yes, you can transform your life and life of others who are just next to you in that corner.
[00:18:18] So I will close this year by reading a poem I wrote about the wound of non existence.
[00:18:29] It's called Unhide yourself.
[00:18:32] Don't give up.
[00:18:35] Unhide your face.
[00:18:37] Unsilence. M your voice.
[00:18:40] Unshame your presence.
[00:18:43] Shame was never in your essence.
[00:18:47] Unwrong, um, the wrongness you feel about yourself unsoiled. The dirt you feel on your face.
[00:18:56] They were given in pettiness by others.
[00:19:01] Un. Give up on yourself and see your true spark.
[00:19:08] Hear your rich voice and witness your inherit worth you were never supposed to hide.
[00:19:18] You are the most precious gem in your own life.
[00:19:23] You are the pulse.
[00:19:25] You are the one who is ferocious and brave, gracious and kind.
[00:19:32] Um. Unhide your face.
[00:19:34] Unsilence your voice.
[00:19:37] Put the burden of shame where it belongs.
[00:19:41] Outside of your skin.
[00:19:44] Off your face.
[00:19:46] Out of your voice.
[00:19:49] Far from your presence.
[00:19:53] You can now take space.
[00:19:55] You can be seen.
[00:19:58] You are a, uh, treasure. So unhide your gifts.
[00:20:03] You mean so much to yourself.
[00:20:08] Yes, you are important.
[00:20:12] And yes, you do exist inside of yourself.
[00:20:22] I am on a mile.
[00:20:25] A somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery until next time.
[00:20:33] Take care and be gentle with yourself.
[00:20:38] You are not alone.
[00:20:41] You are not alone.
[00:20:44] Much care.
[00:20:46] If this episode spoke to you, to your mind, to your existence, and if you feel these stories needs to continue being told and tools for trauma healing shared in this community, please support and donate.
[00:21:05] There is no studio, production team or polished edit.
[00:21:10] It is just me and a mission to support you on the path from exhaled to rising.
[00:21:19] You can donate at the link in the show notes.
[00:21:24] Until next time, stay well.
