Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to Excellent Rising. I'm Anna Maeve Somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma Recovery. I run Somatic Trauma Recovery Center. Today I want to talk about the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:00:14] I wrote two books with the title the Trauma We Don't Talk About.
[00:00:19] There are many wounds and many trauma we speak about. Thankfully we do speak about abandonment, because betrayal, violence, neglect.
[00:00:31] And then there are wounds that almost have no language around them, wounds that live quietly underneath our personality, Wounds we mistake for shyness, humility, politeness, or simply, this is who I am.
[00:00:57] And today I want to speak about one of those wounds and one of those trauma we don't talk about.
[00:01:05] Because there is a deep wound in the trauma body and that is the wound of non existence.
[00:01:16] Not rejection, not disagreement, not someone minimizing your experience, something way deeper.
[00:01:29] Because someone can disagree with you and still acknowledge, uh, that you exist.
[00:01:35] Someone can invalidate your feelings and still recognize your presence because it's responding to you.
[00:01:46] They may argue with your thoughts, dismiss your opinions, criticize your choices, but you still get to speak and they still get to hear you.
[00:02:00] You still get to occupy a space to voice what matters to you.
[00:02:07] You still get to exist.
[00:02:12] But there is another place, a place where your existence itself is not even acknowledged.
[00:02:26] A place where nobody asks, how are you feeling?
[00:02:34] What do you think?
[00:02:37] What do you need?
[00:02:40] What do you want?
[00:02:44] Or what choice would you make?
[00:02:49] What is your opinion?
[00:02:52] And there are many people listening right now who never heard those questions growing up.
[00:03:03] And my heart goes to you.
[00:03:09] You might be minority who lives in a place of non existence where you have never been asked.
[00:03:20] Still as an adult, these questions growing up in a family where you haven't exist, as I said, happened to many of us.
[00:03:34] Not because parents were evil somewhere or not because you lacked food or shelter.
[00:03:45] Some of us did. I did.
[00:03:48] But what's more common is living in environments, in a family system, in a, uh, small communities, in a culture.
[00:04:03] Their obedience matter more than your existence.
[00:04:08] And I want to slow down here because this is very important.
[00:04:15] Do not think that trauma is only what happened to us.
[00:04:23] Trauma is also what never happened.
[00:04:30] The love never given, the question never asked, the protection never offered, emotional shelter never held for you, or curiosity never shown toward you, toward your soul, toward your mind, toward your ideas, the acknowledgment never received.
[00:05:11] So that invitation into existence where you can take a space by sharing your experience, by sharing your emotions, by sharing your thoughts, your intelligence never came.
[00:05:27] And this is the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:05:34] You Will have links below in the show notes for my books. The trauma we don't talk about.
[00:05:43] So trauma is not only what happened to us.
[00:05:47] Trauma is also what never happened.
[00:05:52] And many of us lived and continue to live in environments where our existence uh, did not seem to matter at all.
[00:06:06] It's horrifying, devastating place to be for a child, for a teenager, for young adult, for any adult.
[00:06:19] And what's very common, we can see this in a family that authoritarian figures.
[00:06:25] A father who is authoritarian, who is only one who is deciding how things will run in the house.
[00:06:36] Patriarchal systems, religious structures, very strict religious structures, communist structures, boys culture, post colonial structures, educational systems, obedience, sport environments, obedience.
[00:07:07] So spaces where someone always know better than you, uh, spaces where we always have power over you and you need to follow and you need to obey.
[00:07:23] Spaces where someone, that someone has a first name and a last name, you know who that is, who speaks for everyone.
[00:07:34] He is making right to speak into your name, to decide for you, to rule, for you, to make decisions for you.
[00:07:52] Someone who explains even God to God.
[00:07:58] We know that person, We m know that guy, the authority, the expert quote of quote leader, the one who thinks for everyone else.
[00:08:13] And in these environments you obey, you follow, you yield and you'll survive.
[00:08:22] And you make yourself uh, the least possible silenced target.
[00:08:30] And that's a place of non existence.
[00:08:34] And then what happens?
[00:08:38] Your identity.
[00:08:43] Becomes dangerous.
[00:08:46] This is what we learn. Something is really wrong with our own identity.
[00:08:52] With my ethnicity, with my behavior, with my expressions, with my sexuality, with my choices, with my gender.
[00:09:06] Because what we witnessed and experienced is to never been even asked for anything.
[00:09:17] And then your existence becomes dangerous and your needs become dangerous.
[00:09:24] So we can see in our therapist office there are many people, they're ashamed to express own needs.
[00:09:38] Even when they're hungry or when they're sick and they need help.
[00:09:43] They're ashamed to express that they need help, that they need tending or they're hungry or thirsty.
[00:09:55] We are not even talking about wants.
[00:10:00] Needs are dangerous.
[00:10:04] And a deep shame begins to form.
[00:10:07] Since very young age. And not ordinary shame.
[00:10:10] It's a trauma shame of own existence where you truly believe something in your core, in your skin, who you are.
[00:10:27] Is wrong. And yet you cannot point what it is because you didn't do anything wrong.
[00:10:37] It's a very confusing place to be.
[00:10:40] And confusion is one of the first signs and clear signs the trauma began.
[00:10:50] So shame born in the home of obedience.
[00:10:55] A shame born in the country of obedience.
[00:10:58] If you don't follow how quote unquote leader Decide that you and the group needs to behave.
[00:11:09] And if you're not meeting those expectations, You will not belong, you'll be humiliated, you'll be ostracized, and you will not even be asked, is this something you want to follow?
[00:11:30] Is this something you want to decide for yourself?
[00:11:37] Is this something what aligns with your values, with your sensitivity, with your plans?
[00:11:45] There is no questions asked in those cultures, in those homes and families.
[00:11:56] So that's a place of non existence.
[00:12:01] And that shame born in the cultures where existing really feels only unsafe, is terrifying place to be. And this is the trauma we don't talk about.
[00:12:20] And. And then little by little, uh, we begin disappearing.
[00:12:26] And this is where I want to teach something important.
[00:12:30] Many people believe trauma is only violence and war.
[00:12:34] I came from wars and genocide and ethnic cleansing.
[00:12:39] And yet firsthand, being raised in a communist country until the war, I experience this trauma of non existence as an ethnic minority.
[00:12:56] And being raised in a communist country, there is no question asked.
[00:13:02] So trauma is also chronic invisibility. If you're a minority, you know that place it being invisible.
[00:13:13] And trauma is repeatedly learning.
[00:13:16] And that trauma of invisibility of non existence means my thoughts don't matter.
[00:13:27] My needs don't matter.
[00:13:31] My presence don't matter.
[00:13:35] My intelligence don't matter matter.
[00:13:39] My education don't matter.
[00:13:42] My advocacy don't matter. My activism um, don't matter.
[00:13:50] I don't matter.
[00:13:54] My feelings don't matter.
[00:13:57] And eventually that becomes the wound of non existence.
[00:14:09] And if you're listening and you find yourself in it, you might recall the moments where you maybe sit at the edge of conference tables, when you're quiet during a meeting at work.
[00:14:31] And you'll know you're so much better than anyone else. And yet you don't exist in any meetings where you apologize before speaking, you yield on the street.
[00:14:54] Please listen. My episode.
[00:14:58] Yielding trauma. It's connected with this. It's layered.
[00:15:04] Yielding trauma.
[00:15:06] Or you wait to be invited. You always wait to be invited.
[00:15:11] An invitation is never coming.
[00:15:15] Or you hesitate always.
[00:15:18] Oh boy, how minorities who lived in a place of invisibility hesitate.
[00:15:28] Oh boy, how he puts our feet on our own internal brake.
[00:15:39] And yet everything in us is screaming to occupy space.
[00:15:46] Or you may be asking permission for everything.
[00:15:49] Maybe you shrink, you move into corners.
[00:15:56] Or you maybe enter elevators and stand at the very side, you walk close to the curb while everyone else spreads their shoulders and takes space.
[00:16:17] And maybe you thought this was personality, that this is just who you are. Timid, shy, quiet, introvert.
[00:16:34] It's not.
[00:16:39] If you've had these experiences, this is not your personality, it's the most intelligent survival.
[00:16:50] Because one of the deepest things trauma teaches us the safest way to exist is not to take space.
[00:17:00] And if you grew up in environments where visibility brought criticism, punishment, dismiss of control, danger, your nervous system learns something very brilliant.
[00:17:15] Become smaller, disappear, yield, wait, stay quiet, don't disturb, do not need, don't you dare to want or do not exist too loudly, don't take a space.
[00:17:38] Instead of someone with more authority or someone who is older than you.
[00:17:47] So that's pure intelligence, that's survival, that's adaptation.
[00:17:54] So what I really want you to hear, You have adapted and you have survived.
[00:18:06] It's not weakness, it's not personality failure.
[00:18:13] And there is a side in this adaptation now where every time you made yourself visible and were ignored, every time you expressed a need and silence followed, every time you spoke and nobody acknowledged, uh, you, every time you tried to exist and disapproval arrived, a spark of life inside of you died.
[00:18:47] Not sudden, but very quietly, tiny pieces. Over years, over decades, something what you also witnessed with your parents, if you're a minority, if you're a person of color, if you're not right, ethnicity or religion, quote, unquote. And then eventually you begin waiting.
[00:19:14] So this is something important, this waiting for permission, waiting for approval, waiting for someone to choose for you, waiting for someone to decide for you. Still, even now you're in your 30s and 40s, 50s, 70s, you learn that others lead and you wait that others choose.
[00:19:46] You wait that others speak, you wait that others matter.
[00:19:55] But you wait.
[00:19:59] And in that space of, uh, non existence, we become smaller and we shrink bit by bit.
[00:20:11] And that's trauma we don't talk about.
[00:20:15] That's abuse of power, what happened to us.
[00:20:20] That's violation of our human rights.
[00:20:23] It's nothing big on outside, Nothing big on outside.
[00:20:33] It's that invisible world of oppression.
[00:20:42] And there's another side to this story.
[00:20:47] You, who have been conditioned into invisibility, you carry extraordinary capacities.
[00:20:58] Because surviving these environments requires immense intelligence, immense survival skills, immense awareness, adaptation, endurance, resilience, even enduring, uh, resilience. Really I don't like, I don't like those words nowadays because they're so overused and abused, is when someone is saying, oh, you're so resilient, means keep up, shut up.
[00:21:36] That's another episode, I think I already have episode on abusing the word of resilience.
[00:21:43] But what's boring from this terrible knowledge of living in a space of non existence is living in uncertainty. Uh, for decades.
[00:21:58] And that creates people with extraordinary abilities.
[00:22:03] And I know this because I lived through three wars, I survived genocide, I lived in exile, I was homeless for years, waiting in the lines for food.
[00:22:18] And when we face something like this, mass distractions, mass destruction, mass devastations, and it doesn't have to be mass destruction.
[00:22:31] When we face uncertainty, economical uncertainty, as we do nowadays, political uncertainty, when we live in that place of what's going to be with us as a culture, as a nation, do you know who steps forward?
[00:22:50] Do you know who becomes the most regulated person in the crowd?
[00:22:57] Do you know who starts to lead in a times of crisis?
[00:23:04] And time of crisis can be wildfires, you need to help your community and your people to evacuate. It can be climate, disaster, flooding, hurricane m.
[00:23:22] Do you know who steps forward? Not the loudest, not the cockiest, not the ones convinced they knew everything.
[00:23:34] Not the ones who are telling you what's going to be with you.
[00:23:39] And the ones who are deciding for you, people who are stepping up are, uh, the one who lived in a place of non existence.
[00:23:52] The ones standing quietly in the corners.
[00:23:57] The one conditioned to yield.
[00:23:59] The silenced ones.
[00:24:02] I witnessed this in my life.
[00:24:07] I witnessed this living in a worse, experiencing and witnessing masses of people, masses of people going through unthinkable.
[00:24:24] We're the silenced one, transformed.
[00:24:31] I watched this in front of my eyes.
[00:24:34] Not those big loud personalities, the quiet ones.
[00:24:40] I watched superheroes emerge.
[00:24:44] I watched people organize, lead, caring, protect, guide, endure shelter, share food, share medication, share shelter.
[00:25:10] Because underneath this conditioned obedience is enormous force.
[00:25:21] And I bet you have seen this too.
[00:25:25] If you have been in any protest or in any crisis, I'm certain you have seen this too.
[00:25:38] During wars, fires, pandemics, hurricanes, attacks. Who steps up?
[00:25:47] The people who know survival.
[00:25:51] The people who understand uncertainty.
[00:25:54] The people who know how to endure.
[00:26:03] The people who know what solidarity.
[00:26:09] Even they lived in a place of non existence.
[00:26:15] And this is important because many of you listening think your silence means weakness. No.
[00:26:24] Absolutely no.
[00:26:29] There is monumental life force and you simply learned to turn it inward because it was safe back then.
[00:26:42] But eventually something happens.
[00:26:46] Every conditioned person becomes aware.
[00:26:49] So now, even when you're listening my shares, you're becoming more aware.
[00:26:55] And once you become conscious and aware, you cannot become unconscious and unaware. It's here. This is why we are doing this work.
[00:27:08] This is why I'm sharing this. This is my legacy.
[00:27:13] To translate my own experience and my education so you can pick up some bits and decide how you will use this in your awareness.
[00:27:27] And when awareness arrives, all that tamed power will begins moving.
[00:27:35] And when it moves, it becomes fuel.
[00:27:39] Fuel for boundaries, fuel for leadership, fuel for truth, fuel for justice, fuel for activism. Um, fuel for helping others who are still standing in corners.
[00:28:00] This is what I'm doing.
[00:28:02] This is my mission until the last day of my life.
[00:28:14] And this is where healing shifts.
[00:28:18] Because trauma recovery is not only symptom reduction, it's not on me nervous system regulation, it's not only calming anxiety, trauma recovery is also learning existence.
[00:28:36] So this is what we do and what I teach in my programs. Please check the links below all my programs. I am running to learn, to exist.
[00:28:48] Learning.
[00:28:50] I can speak, I can need, I can want.
[00:28:58] I, um, can disagree.
[00:29:01] I can matter.
[00:29:05] I can decide, I can choose.
[00:29:11] I can take space.
[00:29:15] I can exist.
[00:29:17] And for all my colleagues, therapists listening, we can ask our clients, instead of what happened, we can ask, where were you, uh, not allowed to exist?
[00:29:39] Instead of asking, tell me more about your trauma or you growing up, ask were your opinions welcomed?
[00:29:54] Were needs welcomed?
[00:29:57] Was disagreement safe in your home?
[00:30:02] Were you ever consulted?
[00:30:05] Were you ever, uh, asked for your opinion?
[00:30:10] Were you chosen?
[00:30:13] Or what happened when you took space?
[00:30:21] Because some wounds are not made from violence.
[00:30:26] Soul wounds are made from absence.
[00:30:37] So before I close today, I want to leave you with questions.
[00:30:43] Am, uh, I waiting for permission?
[00:30:50] Who taught me that taking space was dangerous?
[00:30:58] And if I fully existed, what would become possible?
[00:31:04] And if I start to exist today in micro moments, what would that be?
[00:31:17] How would that feel?
[00:31:19] How can I welcome myself into my existence?
[00:31:31] You're not the only one.
[00:31:34] There is a, uh, millions.
[00:31:36] Millions and billions of us who were placed in a place of non existence.
[00:31:49] And millions of us who transform that into existing, into serving, into educating, into activism, um, into helping.
[00:32:04] And we are here, there for you.
[00:32:07] And I'm here for you with this, uh, episode, with this podcast.
[00:32:15] This is all for today.
[00:32:17] Please leave review to help this podcast grow.
[00:32:21] Cheer, and as always, be gentle with yourself.
[00:32:26] Be gentle with yourself.
[00:32:29] I'm Anna Mayo. This is Exiled in Rising. Until next time.
[00:32:35] Much care.
[00:32:36] Much care.
