Welcome to Exiled & Rising. I am Ana Mael. Today I want to talk about the shame, toxic shame that was forced into you. The shame you were not born with it. The shame what was given to you by abuser, by family system, by the system you live in. And for many of us, that shame was tied to our identity. That shame has a quality of feeling as you don't belong, feeling as you're less, and you don't even know why. You know you didn't do anything wrong. You know, you tried so hard and you're doing all the right things, and yet, the quality of that shame is: something deeply is wrong about me, about my existence, about my presence in the world, and you cannot point to any reason why. So I will read from the book " The Trauma We Don't Talk About". So this is a page 24. Shame Is Given. The abuser who humiliated and blamed you injected toxic shame into your mind. And body. Your abuser might have been a person, but it could also have been the environment in which you worked or lived, including a political or a cultural climate in which you were othered, made feel less. Shame is not inherent. It is thrown at you and dumped into your system, into your body. You didn't begin life as a baby who felt shame. You learned to feel toxic, shame when toxic people, or a person, you probably know the first and last name of that person, took advantage of you and harmed you. That shame and blame you received over time became internalized. Subconsciously you began to believe you were shameful and self blame naturally followed. What's very common when we receive that blame from someone else, right, we internalize it as it's ours. And what gets to be coupled with this is self blame and what gets coupled with this is rigorous self-discipline, self-judgment. Very, very common. Very common. Where we would be so strict with ourselves where, we would, and this is how the perfectionism is born, not because , we want things done so perfectly but because if we are doing things perfectly, there is a less chance that we will feel shame and guilt thrown on us. So just for a moment, if that touches you or recalls the memory from your past. Just gently, gently, you can give yourself just a nice, nice, gentle touch. It's almost like you wanna say to you, I hear you. I see you. It's not yours. All those efforts, self judging. Self-blaming. It's born. It's born from the pure wisdom and survival because it's easier to blame ourself, to judge ourself, to make ourself be put, or be perfect, be of service then again to receive blame, shame, and judgment from that someone. If you had been given love, safety, and care, you would never feel toxic shame, self blame, self allienation, or self hatred. You would feel safe and guided by self-compassion and you would feel that you belong. So keep in mind what was robbed from you. What was robbed from you is quality. The state of feeling safe. One of the most important parts we need, number one is safety. Third is love, but number one is safety. Okay. First, safety second, we belong the sense of belonging. Third is love, but that was robbed from you to feel safe and to belong because of what was projected on you. As you are less of because how you expressed yourself. Because of your ethnicity, because of your religion, because of your sexual orientation, because of your race, because of your status as a citizen. Maybe because of your accent, maybe because you're a woman, maybe because you're a man. Maybe because your brain is neurodivergent. Maybe just because, just because you are placed in proximity with someone who is not human enough or who is not developed enough, and the impact is the shame you feel about your core, about your identity. So remember, it is not your responsibility to carry what malignant people thrown at you. Or a person or the system, it is not your responsibility. That sense, that quality is: you are off as something is off, but you don't even know what. We have this when we do things wrong. We have this moral compass, right. And we know, oh my God, this wasn't okay. This wasn't done right by me. So we feel that shame and embarrassment, but this is different. This is the quality as something in me, and I cannot even explain why. I'm doing all right, and yet I can feel, by the judging look of that person or people or what I'm hearing on the news that something is wrong about my existence. So we are talking about this quality. If you are a minority, you know that feeling, you know that feeling is being observed. That's what your skin carries, the quality I am observed . And not observed with admiration but observed as something is off with you. As this is not the place where you are supposed to be. So I can share my experience. My home was detonated. My family, we were profiled based on our ethnicity. I'm Serbian from Croatia, and that wasn't okay. That wasn't allowed. So we got profiled based on our ethnicity and our home was detonated in the pieces. Our place where we belonged, our place of privacy, place where we played, where we lived, where I grew up. Into the pieces. Why? Because ethnicity wasn't enough for someone. Serbian, were minority in Croatia, you carry this enormous amount of shame just for your existence. And you are walking on the street, even I am i'm white, blonde hair, blue eyes. You are walking on the street and , there is a quality as it's written on my face. I'm Serbian. My existence is not allowed. My existence is not allowed to exist in this country, and this is how I lived for many years and many other things happened, but there is this essence of being observed. It's almost subliminal, this quality of you just don't belong with us, even nothing is said. You can feel that. So this can also happen in your own family, you get this quality growing up as you just don't belong here. And with this what I shared, I want to acknowledge everyone whose home is detonated. Doesn't exist because of, quote unquote, wrong ethnicity, wrong religion, wrong race. Every single person whose home went to the pieces, bombed, as we can see every day on the news. So that's reality for many of us, and we carry this wound deep wound. What was put on us, but it's not ours. It's not ours. There is not What's wrong? What's wrong with ethnicity? With religion, what's wrong? Who gets to decide? This is right, this is wrong. We are above. You are down. We are up. You are less. Who gets to decide? Hmm? So don't let that live in you. Make it just for you, for your own DNA. Make it just, and how do you make it just is by owning who you are with dignity, with grace, with your own rituals of your own ancestors. Or you build your own ancestors of your soul tribe, of people you connect, or plants or animals, you get to decide. That that's, that's the healing of the justice. And you can also, when you're ready, act on it with your own moral compass doing right things. I made an episode. You can check in the links notes.. "You need justice, not breath work." Where I talk about how healing is relational and what that means. So we need to seek justice and many times justice is labeled as something very, , people think justice is revenge. It's not a revenge. And also made a podcast. You need revenge. So please , listen and you'll discover what kind of justice and revenge you're seeking in a healing. I. So I want you to know. This is their shame, their blame and their burden to carry. Their crime, their violation. Your innate being always deserved and had the right to be loved and cared for. And I don't mean deserving is you need to work hard to be loved and to belong. That's innate right. To be loved, and you don't need to look for that other person to feel loved. To be loved can be the quality. The quality, what was robbed from you, and that's love between you and you. When you feel so in awe with yourself, so inspired with yourself, when those sparks in you, the curiosity, the love, innate power starts to emerge from you. That's the purity of the love, what was robbed. And even if love wasn't shown and modeled to you, it is innate and you can retrieve that love and how we do that on a somatic level, i'm teaching the course how to retrieve that quality, how to leave that state of shame. You can sign up. The links are in the show notes. I will be teaching somatic distilled lesson about lifting that shame and coming back on somatic level, experiential level, so how the body can feel that inherently. Please sign up. The links are in the show notes. In this moment, in this moment, you are the one who can begin the journey of getting to know yourself and learn to give safety and care to yourself. And it'll be a powerful and transformative journey because in self love and kindness, shame melts away. It does melt away, and the pure essence of self-worth and value rises. So we'll retrieve that quality of feeling your essence of getting to know yourself. Absolutely. It's possible. So this is the piece from my book, the Trauma We Don't Talk About Shame Is Given, page 24. So let's go into more details. What's, what's behind, what's behind this. Number one, we need to reframe shame. So one thing from this piece is for you to recognize, just started recognizing that shame is given to you. It's not self born. It's not self-made, made. So we really want to dismantle this. Self blame and self blame is followed by self-judgment, by self discipline, by perfectionism. Okay. Second, name the source. Who is that person, where that shame belongs to? Where is the system? Where is the system who committed the crime against you? Right? Environment. What created this condition for shame? And acknowledging this is, this is a part of reclaiming power of shedding off the shame from your own skin. Third is returning the burden. So invite the possibility to mental, emotionally hand back the shame. It was never yours to hold. Fourth, learning self-love. Even love wasn't offered early. That self-love can be cultivated through conscious care. Through somatic embodiment. This is what we will explore in the course, and through such a gentle compassion, this is also learning people. It's a learning between you and you. And fifth is how we make a ritual. For the rest of our lives, what was robbed from us, how we move and cultivate this ritual, this pathway to belong, and what does it mean to belong? So I will talk about more this in a, the workshop. But , this is the journey of releasing shame where it belongs. To that person, to that system, and how that leads to this quality of self-worth, belonging, of authenticity, free of self-judgment, free of rigorous self-discipline, self-hatred. So for now, let this land, and if there is one thing I would like you to remember is this, shame was never born in you. Shame, the state that something is off with you, and you don't even know why, as this is inherently inside of you is not true. That quality is given by someone to you. Maybe because immature parents, harmful sibling, very common. Systems and cultures. Where you are othered because of your ethnicity, your language, your body, your sexual orientation, the culture you belong to. Your citizenship status, immigration status, money in your bank account. Having money or not having money, both and also very common in intimacy, in partnerships, in abusive partner dynamics. And in toxic parent child relationship, where shame is used to control, blame or reverse roles where you had to take care of your parents. Because of deep ingrained family loyalty. What was working back then, but it's not working now. And as we close this, keep this in mind. Projection moves to internalization that brings identity distortion, and deep self blame. And shame about your core identity is born. And how do we move out? We'll go into details, for now remember, recognition right now, in this moment, we are recognizing something very important. We are giving clarity to the place of confusion without even knowing why you feel this way, we are returning the burden where it belongs. It's not on your skin. It's not on your skin. As you know, I'm somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery. What we know, shame is very sticky and belongs to the skin. This is how our soma is receiving the quality of shame, what was given to us. It's on our skin. So returning the burden, developing, retrieving what was robbed from us, the state of self love, and then reclaiming belonging. Sign up, check the links. As always, be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with yourself, and one step at a time, one micro step at a time. This is Exiled & Rising. I'm Ana Mael. Until next time, much care, much care.